Mindfulness and morning sleepiness

I’ve started a treatment (for Asperger Syndrom, and it’s actually experimental, but I am pretty sure this one’s here to stay), consisting of CBT and mindfulness (I’ll try to write more about this), and using the mindfulness I had a revelation (almost in the literal sense) this morning about my morning sleepiness.

When I wake up I am almost always “hammered” (no not drunk, but it’s not far from it). Sometimes I am so “heavy” in the body I can hardly walk straight, and I am so light sensitive even a candle makes me whine and want to hide under the cover again.

This morning, like many others, I was sitting at the toilet, almost falling back to sleep, knuckles on the floor, chin on the bathroom sink, eyes crossed. And just for the fun of it, or if it was a newly acquired instinct or what it was, I said to myself: “I feel tired…”

For those who have no idea what mindfulness is, in short it’s about learning to observe your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations from a distance, going from letting them define who you are to viewing them as separate entities in your mind. That is, going from “I AM tired” to “I FEEL tried”.

What happened this morning was pretty amazing. Imagine a bridge (like one of those you see in an Indiana Jones movie) breaking in two and collapsing. That was what happened to my tiredness. It just fell off.

I was amazed and shocked, but it made me think.

My conclusion, so far, is that I’m heavy in the body from residual sleep paralysis (what keeps us from rolling out of bed when we sleep, or perhaps more evolutionary correctly, falling out of the tree ;o) and I am light sensitive, well because I’ve had my eyes closed for several hours. However, the tiredness is something I’ve probably learned to associate with these two feelings. It may be a made up feeling …

Sure, I am probably tired some mornings, I’ve almost fallen asleep more than once although I’ve already left bed, but I suspect that might also be a bi-product of me being heavy in the body. I mean, after all, most people doesn’t faint from tiredness, they go to bed and fall asleep long before they do that, a little like eating before you get hit by “hunger panic”… kind of.

Well, knowing that I might have to deal with being heavy in the body and light sensitive in the morning instead of just being tired might help a lot when it comes to getting up (and avoid snoozing, did I mention: I’m a snoozer! :o)

Update: well, I’ve actually had mornings where I was really tired, and didn’t had the above effect, so… I guess the situation is that I can use mindfulness to lessen the effect of being tired, but what I really should have done is using it to get into bed at a good time the night before… (in spite of any thoughts about how hard it will be to fall asleep or how meaningless it is, or how strange – I mean, sleep: you lose consciousness for 6+ hours, hallucinate wildly and wake up with more or less, total amnesia…)

Living in the Moment…

I remember a forum discussion where an Aspie was talking about his problems when living in the moment. Someone else commented that living in the moment sounded like a great idea and they wished they could do the same.

Yeah, haven’t we seen the movie/read the book and envied that wonderfully crazy guy that was living in the moment, improvising his whole life and just having a laugh all day, not a worry in sight?

I used to live in the moment, sometimes I still do, and I’m working hard not to.

You might ask why on earth I would go and do such a thing, aren’t living in the now supposed to be fun?

Continue reading Living in the Moment…

I hear what you’re saying!

This Tuesday I participated in an education for health professionals. I was actually being a “test subject” for a diagnostic test for Asperger Syndrome, the professionals were learning to use. They were watching over a CCTV when I took the test. And, even though I went on with my life after the test was done (yay, work) I am sure they discussed it as well.

The test was pretty different from the Asperger test I took when I got my diagnosis. More of an interview than a test, actually.

Continue reading I hear what you’re saying!

Right is Left, and Left is Lost…

Or, don’t talk about left and right with me!

The other day I had this incredibly stupid encounter.

In a hurry to the train station, I’m stopped by a couple in a car (about 50 meters from the station) asking me how to get to the station by car – I’m on the sidewalk. (In their defense, Solna station, where this happened, is pretty complex.)

I point (to my right, with my whole right arm) and ask them if they see the (large, clearly) red buses. The guy goes, “uh-huh, so it’s to the left then?”

Continue reading Right is Left, and Left is Lost…

Mentalization

Some persons with Asperger Syndrome has problems mentalizing (although it not being part of any diagnose criteria as more than “impaired” skills in social interaction and communication – I’ll add a source if I find one!)

I’m one of them, but before I get into my personal experience of it lets define mentalization:

“Thinking is thinking. Mentalising is thinking about thinking and feeling, our own and other people’s.” – http://www.organiclemon.org/id7.html

“To understand the behavior of others as a product of their mental state” – http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/mentalize

Mentalizing – the ability to understand oneself and others by inferring the mental states that lie behind overt behavior” – http://www.ucl.ac.uk/psychoanalysis/unit-staff/mentalization_bpd.htm

You may also find this article on Wikipedia helpful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mentalization

Sometimes I’ve heard Aspies are supposed to have problems with empathy (which is totally wrong in my case – I empathize). I think Aspies probably have trouble with the mentalization (among other things – some people are actually too shy to talk much even when it is obvious the other person needs it – that, however, is not me! :))

If you are unable to, or having a hard time to imagine the other person’s feelings and thoughts correctly, you’ll also have a hard time figuring out the correct emotional response. And when you laugh or look serious in the wrong situation people will start wondering about your empathic abilities.

I have a bunch of examples from my past, like the girlfriend I was feeling was sliding away – and when she had her birthday without inviting me I call her to ask why, and finally breaks up with her… just to realize I did this on her birthday… but by then it was too late. Foot firmly inserted in mouth. What I’m saying here is, breaking up might have been the right thing to do, but not on her birthday… or over the phone for that matter. Sure I had an idea about what was going on, and what I should do, but I never stopped to think about how she would feel about my behavior.

Having problems mentalizing also makes you an easy target for anyone wanting to con or take advantage of you (I stopped counting the amount of money and time I’ve thrown out the window on idiots I didn’t figure for idiots until too late). If you don’t get a feel for the other person’s thoughts, needs etc, you use yourself as a reference instead, and I happen to be a pretty nice and honest person (too damn honest – but that’s another post). So when the signal doesn’t get through you start by saying – hey they have honest intentions, right? And then when you get burned and the signal still doesn’t get through, you start saying – hey this (completely different person) is probably going to do just the same thing (as the other, completely psychopathic person did)… right?

Another consequence is that you might seem selfish or self absorbed. You’re having a hard time getting the feel for what’s going on in the head of other people so you start using yourself as the yardstick. And this in turn makes talking about everything from your perspective an important part in understanding everyone else.

Lacking in mentalization also means an Aspie might say, “hey I don’t want to talk about that, it’s boring…” Which isn’t the best of conversation starters, but because you’re not so much in tune with what’s going on in the head of the other person you miss the fact that talking about what you want all day might actually be boring to them.

However, there’s some hope. First of all, like anyone else, I’ve also grown up. And as you get older things starts falling into place. I might feel a conversation is boring, but try to steer it into something else, something both parties might actually find interesting. Not just say: “boooring” right out. And since I have rather narrow interests (another Aspie thing) I’ve become an expert on not just seeming interested, but finding interesting things in what people tell me (like when they go on about painting the boat or orchids – the orchids conversation actually got me thinking about getting more flowers to my apartment… see?)

Another thing is, most people actually aren’t as complicated as you might think. They have a few things going through their heads, different fears (of not fitting in, or lacking in some way, or that someone near or dear will get hurt, or won’t like us – fear is a huge part of what goes through people’s heads on a daily basis) and needs (love, safety, self worth… well basically Maslow’s hierarchy of needs), and so on. It takes years to figure it out, but even after a short while you start understanding – on a logical level – what’s most likely going on in the head of the people around you.

I’ve found books on body language and facial expressions helps a lot (think “Lie to Me” but less fantastic and more scientific). My favorite book (which unfortunately doesn’t exist in English) is called “The art of Reading Minds” (translation of “Konsten att läsa tankar” by Henrik Fexeus, there’s also a German translation, but I have a hard time thinking there wouldn’t be equivalent texts in English or other languages.)

What I like about this book is that it’s scientific (in spite of the title), it does not claim to contain any truth or only way to do things, and it’s pragmatic. Instead of tons of theories on rapport (to mention one of it’s subjects) you get; try to speak and breathe in the same pace as the other person, and you’ll start creating rapport, and when your body is on the same level of alertness as the other person, it might be pretty easy to figure out what they feel and think – simply by looking at your own thoughts and feelings, which is more often than we’d like influenced by our breathing, alertness level and other purely corporeal factors.

So, by analyzing behavior, it is possible to do what most people does by instinct, even though it takes longer to get there, and you may sometimes come off as a bit self-centered or too analytical. The core of the problem, however, was nicely described to me by a friend from many years ago. We were having a rather philosophical conversation and she said, “you know, I can ask if you understand, and you might say, sure I do, but I’ll never be able to know for sure that you really do.”

And that’s the human condition for you 😉

A Year Ago

About a year ago I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrom and ADHD. Since I feel I’ve been able to figure out a few things since then, I’ll try to write about it here.

Now, if I were to write about cars, I wouldn’t need much explanation – just dive right into the cc:s, mph:s and so on so forth (disclaimer: I know almost nothing about cars, owned one the first year after I got my license, live in a part of my country with lots of commuter traffic, so haven’t missed a car since then…)

On the other hand, if this blog was about … let’s say Data Mining… I would have to explain what “Data Mining” was a bit before talking about it… but I would be able to do that, with a few well-phrased sentences…

However, when it comes to Asperger (ADHD isn’t that much of a problem in this respect) it’s not always that easy to explain it or generalize about it. What I’ve been able to figure out is that people with Asperger have it in different degrees, and when it comes to people like me, with a double diagnose (it turns out it’s not that uncommon to have both Asperger and ADHD or ADD) just separating the two becomes a chore.

spectrumI think the most important thing to think about when discussing Asperger is that it is a disorder on the autism spectrum. I interpret that rather literary. Just as it’s hard to tell exactly when red becomes orange or orange becomes yellow on the color spectrum, it’s hard to separate different symptoms of Asperger/Autism. They bleed into each other, making it problematic/impossible to separate one from the other.

In practical terms, this means one Aspie might be completely different from another. I’ve heard comments such as “…do you have Asperger? I know people with Asperger and you’re not at all like them…” – so, yeah… we Aspies are really individualistic! 🙂

I’ve added a few links on Asperger and ADHD below. I’ll talk about these two neurological disabilities (but I’m pretty sure I’ll be unable to tell which one of them is in play – if not both – in some cases) from my unique perspective, how I experience them, what I do to deal with them, etc etc. Hopefully I’ll be able to contribute to someone! 😀

The home page of Tony Attwood, one of the authorities on Asperger: http://www.tonyattwood.com.au

This is a fairly long article on Asperger Syndrome (however, I needed to ax some of the ads in order to “survive” the read — Firefox + Ad Block Plus rocks!): http://www.emedicinehealth.com/asperger_syndrome/article_em.htm

Here’s yet another link on Asperger (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/aspergers-syndrome/DS00551)…

And here’s a Wikipedia article on ADHD (I’m not sure about Wikipedia’s treatment on Asperger yet…): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention-deficit_hyperactivity_disorder

Happy 09-09-09 09:09

Summer is nearing its end, autumn leafs are everywhere, yellow, red and brown… unless you’re in australia… eh or by the equator?

Regardless, this is kind of a hoax since I’m writing this in March.  But still, I’ve discovered the timed post, and so, this hour being very special I’ve decided to take advantage of that.

So happy ninth of the ninth of the ninth of….  well you get the gist of it…

Is Java pass-by-value or pass-by-reference?

The question if Java passes parameters by value or by reference seems to be one of the things newcomers to the Java language stumble upon quite often.

In general the answer is simple: Java is always pass-by-value.

What does this mean?

Pass-by-value means that you get a copy of the passed in object to work with, as opposed to a reference to it.

Let’s exemplify.  Assume we have a method that manipulates a List object:

public void updateList(List list) {
    ..;
}

Now, assume we’d like to replace the passed-in list with another list we’ve created inside the method.  We might like to do something like:

public void updateList(List list) {
    List myList = new ArrayList();
    // add objects to myList
    list = myList; // replace list with my new list? *WRONG*
}

However, if we test this new method we’ll find list has not changed at all.

This is because list is a copy of the object we passed-in to the method, and not the passed-in object itself.  list has been passed-by-value!

So, are we unable to change variables that are passed-in to a method in Java?  Can we only change them by returning a new object?

No.

And this is where the confusion sets in, because while we’re unable to replace the passed-in object list with another object, we’re perfectly allowed to manipulate it’s member objects.

Basically this means if we want to replace a passed-in list with our own list we must do:

public void updateList(List list) {
    List myList = new ArrayList();
    // add objects to myList
    list.clear(); // empty passed-in list
    list.addAll(myList); // replace passed-in list with my new list!
}

Since we never try to replace list itself, the whole method works just fine and does what we expect.

Black pointer: Never lose track of your mouse pointer again

I’ve tried several ways to keep track of my mouse pointer.  It’s kind of hard from time to time.  Adding more than one monitor does not help at all!

Recently a colleague gave me the tip to make the mouse pointer black… and larger. I tried this and found that the mouse pointer was much easier to spot.  No surprise there, really.  After all, white on white tends to become a bit hard to keep track of, tiny silhouette outline or not.

I was told how to do this in Windows (Control Panel > Mouse > Pointer, but that’s another story).

In Gnome (I’m running Ubuntu 8.10) you do it in the System > Preferences > Appearance dialog (see below).  In my version of Window’s there’s no settings under Appearance > Mouse.

Appearance Preferences

Next you click the “Customize” button:

Customize Theme

In the new dialog select the “Pointer”-tab and select the color of pointer you want.  In order to resize it, see the “size slider” below the list of pointers (there seems to be three distinct sizes to choose from).

Click “Close” once you’re done, and voila, you have a new and much easier to spot mouse pointer!

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