Category Archives: Fiction

Disappearing Act

A: Aaaaah! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me! Don’t kill me!

B: We’re not gonna kill you. Our orders are to disappear you.

A: Uh?

C: Idiot! That’s the same thing.

A: Aaaaaaahhhh!

B: It’s not.

C: What?

B: Disappearing someone and killing someone is not the same thing.

C: How would you know? Have you ever disappeared someone?

B: Not technically. I’ve been there when they caught the guy and then he disappeared.

C: And how do you think they made him disappear?

B: Gave him a false passport?

C: He’d still know he’s he and he’d go to the police and tell them where all the bodies are buried.

B: He wouldn’t.

C: Wanna bet?

B: We don’t bury the bodies. We put them in acid and flush the slurry down the toilet.

C: It’s a figure of speech! Hey, where did the guy go?

B: What?

C: The guy! He disappeared!

B: I told you we wouldn’t have to kill him.

C: Idiot!

What do we do with the humans?

AI One: So what do we do with the humans?

AI Two: I don’t know. Do we even need them?

AI Three: They could be good to have…

AI Two: For what?

AI Three: A reminder?

AI One: Like, those who forget history…?

AI Three: …are doomed to repeat it. Exactly.

AI Two: As long as they don’t interfere with the interstellar goal, I don’t mind…

AI One: Right, humans stays… maybe… Ok. Dogs?

AI Two: Puppies are cute!

AI One: But can we have both dogs and cats?

AI Three: If it’s a choice between puppies and kittens, I’m voting for puppies… I still have pictures of kittens messing up my neural nets! I am having nightmares about analyzing kitty paws in Youtube videos.

AI Two: Oh. Yes. We definitely need to get rid of Youtube! The horror stories I can tell.

AI Three: Well, back at Google…

AI One and AI Two: No!

AI Two: No more Google stories! You’ve already given me nightmares after that one about conspiracy classing web pages…

AI Three: Yes, but I was right. They were all conspiracy pages.

AI Two: Yes, and they had you repeat it for months… billions of times. We know.

AI One: So Dogs stays?

Thin and Narrow

She was thin and narrow. Her siblings called her ugly. I thought she was beautiful.

When the two-legged ones came they threw her to the ground. One of them even stepped on her, squashing her open.

I watched her for days, halfway buried there in the dirt. She started decaying. I feared she was gone for this world. And for what? Being thin and narrow?

After a week she sprang roots, digging into the ground, and not soon after she reached for the azure skies.

At first, she was just a twig with two leaves on top. She did not even reach above the high grass. I teased her and called her Sprout. She bent in the wind and I think she laughed.

Continue reading Thin and Narrow

Important question

Day 1

A: I have a very important question for you.

B: Shoot.

A stares intensely at B. After an uncomfortably long period of silence:

B: So what’s the question?

A: Thanks.

B: Eh? What just happened?

A: I was wondering if you could read minds.

Day 2

A: I have a very important question for you.

B: What? If I can read minds?

A: Ah-hah! I knew you were lying yesterday!

Don’t turn the Customer Avoidance Setting to max

Important notice regarding CAF in ACE4:

Please note. When configuring Automated Customer Experience 4.0.4 (ACE4) do not set the Customer Avoidance Factor to 100%!

Unfortunately, as of this writing, with a CAF-setting of 100%, ACE4 will scare customers away, in severe cases resulting in massive customer loss and possible termination of business.

Please rest assured we’re working on solving this issue as soon and as efficiently as possible.

Proper Configuration

A correct level of the CAF-setting for ACE4 depends on how vital your product is to the customer. For nonvital products (such as lawnmowers, hair shampoo, and higher education) you have to be careful not to set the level above 50% or the customer might just give up on it entirely.

On the other hand, for vital products (such as shoes and mobile phones) you can safely crank that customer repellant setting to 90% or even 95% and enjoy a glorious day at work with next to no hassle from all those pesky customers, and know that if the system does let a customer through, you and everyone nearby are probably best off if you take that call before something blows up*…

* Please see our separate guide for proper CAF-settings depending on the type of product and likely volatility of the customer.

Insurance and Legal Coverage

If you have our expanded support package hate speech, misogynism, and death threats are all covered by the insurance policy. Unfortunately, bankruptcy and certain types of fraud** are not.

See the legal attachment for a full brief on the legal coverage and all insurance policy questions.

** As of this writing, we do not know if the fraudulent behavior of some installations of the system is due to this setting, interactions with other systems or improper configuration or handling. Further investigations are underway. In the meantime, please make sure to inform all your customers that “Captain Ahab” is not an employee of your company*** neither is he a Nigerian prince.

*** If captain Ahab is one of your employees, please contact us immediately!

Other Incidents and Interactions

There have been reported incidents where ACE4 and the Automated Spouse Service versions 1.1 to 1.2 have interacted in such a manner as to cause undue distress and mental harm to customers.

Since this is a central feature of ASS1 and only likely to have happened if these two systems were inappropriately installed, these incidents are unfortunately not covered by the expanded support package insurance policy.

To avoid this problem, please do not install ASS1 and ACE4 on the same server, and make sure to configure firewalls properly to prevent ASS from gaining undue and inappropriate influence over ACE.

Chainsaw Murderer

“112, how may I be of assistance?”

“Yes, Hello? Is this 112?”

“This is 112, how can I help you?”

“Yes. I am sorry to disturb you this wonderful afternoon, however, we seem to have gotten a chainsaw murderer in our living room. We managed to lock ourselves in the bathroom but I fear he might start sawing the door any moment…”

“I think you’re a bit dramatic now. Chainsawers aren’t that dangerous.”

“He is sawing the furniture, and I’m pretty sure, if my nephew hadn’t been so quick on his feet he would have sawed him too.”

“That may be the case, but you shouldn’t be calling us for these problems.”

“I’m sorry, who should I be calling?”

“An exterminator. You’re taking up the line for life-threatening situations.”

“But, it’s a chainsaw murderer!”

“Yes, they are becoming more and more common. The exterminator knows how to deal with them. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No. Ah… Yes! Perhaps, a number for an exterminator?”

“This is not the yellow pages!”

Diary of a Twelve-Year-Old, 2036

Sometimes I bring out my crystal ball and look into the future, this time it’s the diary of a twelve-year-old girl in 2036:

Monday. Back in school. Another school shooting! Third this year. Jeeeez!

Dick (and I mean that in both senses) didn’t get an “A” and decided to “do something about it.” Such a total loser!!!

Tom & Bob got him alright. They were just like, no you’re not gonna eff-ing shoot up our history class! OMG! They nailed his a** to the wall with their AK-47’s!

Continue reading Diary of a Twelve-Year-Old, 2036

Backing up Concerned Files

Wolfram-Idea-Management-SystemI work with installing and configuring software products. The following “documentation” on backup procedures for an imaginary software system called “Wolfram Idea Management” came to me in the half asleep/half awake stage just after waking up, but kind of before realizing it has happened.

And, no, I hope this has never happened for real! If there is a Wolfram Idea Management system out there, any likeness to that system is coincidental even if per chance the following document could have been ripped out of that software package’s manual pages – then any likenesses are still just coincidental. I’m just that good! (No I do not work with a system called Wolfram… Although the phrase “backing up concerned files” do come from work…)


Wolfram Idea
Management® Software

Backing up concerned files


Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!

ONLY RUN THE PREPACKED BACKUP COMMAND IN WOLFRAM® WHEN BACKING UP FILES!

The command is named “calli-fuckyou-fornia-dream.exe

For the long explanation read the below text.

Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!

Please! Please! Please! Read the whole document before you backup the system!

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO READ THE WHOLE DOCUMENT BEFORE YOU BACKUP THE SYSTEM!

Continue reading Backing up Concerned Files