Category Archives: Fiction

Chainsaw Murderer

“112, how may I be of assistance?”

“Yes, Hello? Is this 112?”

“This is 112, how can I help you?”

“Yes. I am sorry to disturb you this wonderful afternoon, however, we seem to have gotten a chainsaw murderer in our living room. We managed to lock ourselves in the bathroom but I fear he might start sawing the door any moment…”

“I think you’re a bit dramatic now. Chainsawers aren’t that dangerous.”

“He is sawing the furniture, and I’m pretty sure, if my nephew hadn’t been so quick on his feet he would have sawed him too.”

“That may be the case, but you shouldn’t be calling us for these problems.”

“I’m sorry, who should I be calling?”

“An exterminator. You’re taking up the line for life-threatening situations.”

“But, it’s a chainsaw murderer!”

“Yes, they are becoming more and more common. The exterminator knows how to deal with them. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No. Ah… Yes! Perhaps, a number for an exterminator?”

“This is not the yellow pages!”

Diary of a Twelve-Year-Old, 2036

Sometimes I bring out my crystal ball and look into the future, this time it’s the diary of a twelve-year-old girl in 2036:

Monday. Back in school. Another school shooting! Third this year. Jeeeez!

Dick (and I mean that in both senses) didn’t get an “A” and decided to “do something about it.” Such a total loser!!!

Tom & Bob got him alright. They were just like, no you’re not gonna eff-ing shoot up our history class! OMG! They nailed his a** to the wall with their AK-47’s!

Continue reading Diary of a Twelve-Year-Old, 2036