Psychic, adjusting the crystal ball: So, I can see here you’re going to have a car accident… in two days turning off I-10… Oh, right… not anymore… because I just told you. Also, your brother will lose a lot of money…. or not… right, you should definitely convince him not to invest all his savings in the soon to be discovered pyramid sales con… and your marriage will be shaky… ah, yeah… good on you… if you just stay clear of the boss’s assistant your marriage will be fine… hmmm… I can see here you’re going to have a depressingly normal life… good for you!
Oh, you meant dead drop? I thought I heard you say “drop dead…”
So, I just watched “Ant-Man and the Wasp” and it seems, nowadays every Avengers movie ends with th-anus dust-up…
“Boohooo this show is soooo predictable!”
“Yeah, it’s the second time we’re watching it…”
I may not be perfect but I am a limited edition.
Important notice regarding CAF in ACE4:
Please note. When configuring Automated Customer Experience 4.0.4 (ACE4) do not set the Customer Avoidance Factor to 100%!
Unfortunately, as of this writing, with a CAF-setting of 100%, ACE4 will scare customers away, in severe cases resulting in massive customer loss and possible termination of business.
Please rest assured we’re working on solving this issue as soon and as efficiently as possible.
A correct level of the CAF-setting for ACE4 depends on how vital your product is to the customer. For nonvital products (such as lawnmowers, hair shampoo, and higher education) you have to be careful not to set the level above 50% or the customer might just give up on it entirely.
On the other hand, for vital products (such as shoes and mobile phones) you can safely crank that customer repellant setting to 90% or even 95% and enjoy a glorious day at work with next to no hassle from all those pesky customers, and know that if the system does let a customer through, you and everyone nearby are probably best off if you take that call before something blows up*…
* Please see our separate guide for proper CAF-settings depending on the type of product and likely volatility of the customer.
Insurance and Legal Coverage
If you have our expanded support package hate speech, misogynism, and death threats are all covered by the insurance policy. Unfortunately, bankruptcy and certain types of fraud** are not.
See the legal attachment for a full brief on the legal coverage and all insurance policy questions.
** As of this writing, we do not know if the fraudulent behavior of some installations of the system is due to this setting, interactions with other systems or improper configuration or handling. Further investigations are underway. In the meantime, please make sure to inform all your customers that “Captain Ahab” is not an employee of your company*** neither is he a Nigerian prince.
*** If captain Ahab is one of your employees, please contact us immediately!
Other Incidents and Interactions
There have been reported incidents where ACE4 and the Automated Spouse Service versions 1.1 to 1.2 have interacted in such a manner as to cause undue distress and mental harm to customers.
Since this is a central feature of ASS1 and only likely to have happened if these two systems were inappropriately installed, these incidents are unfortunately not covered by the expanded support package insurance policy.
To avoid this problem, please do not install ASS1 and ACE4 on the same server, and make sure to configure firewalls properly to prevent ASS from gaining undue and inappropriate influence over ACE.
“If it weren’t for you, none of this would have happened!”
“If it weren’t for the Big Bang, none of anything would have happened…”
I got a TotallyInsaneUserInteractionMicrosoftWillNeverTalkToYouAgainError…
What do I do?
(No, the joke isn’t the “totally insanely” long error name…)