“Hey! How about you dial that back to zero percent?”
“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s Nerd for shut the fuck up!”
“Who’s gonna make me? You and what army?”
“I won’t make you do anything… I may, however, make your email app attach a random dick-pic with every outgoing email…”
Unexpected consequences of falling asleep while listening to music:
Do you like Paula Abdul or that bad, bad blood?
Since I was, in fact, “sleep listening” to “Bad Blood” I have to assume I liked “that bad, bad blood” but since I was dreaming I can’t be sure…
This bottle of red rum is a rellik. It’s a bouquet to die for!
As a submariner I’m always subconscious at work… however, I also get a lot of help from my unconscious.
“People may think hair pulling is lame, but when we do it, it results in bloodshed and black eyes…”
“Yeah, if you use your feet for leverage…”
“What did the polygraph said?”
“Either he’s lying, or he had to fart a lot.”
“Yeah… The polygraph can tell us if they need to fart or if they are lying, but we haven’t figured out yet how to distinguish between the two…”
“Either way, he’s a disgusting person. Let’s lock him up.”
God: What? Human sacrifices? Again? Hmmm… Listen… just as long as you clean up after yourselves… I don’t want to slip on pools of blood. Ok? Good. Now, shoo!
I decided to spend my retirement in ancient Rome, but I made the huge mistake of bringing a tube of mayonnaise. Now everyone wants snake-shaped aioli and I have to shuttle back and forth between antiquity and modern times like some kind of damned time merchant! The only thing worse would be if they figured out I wasn’t from Atlantis, but the future. God only knows what kind of unrefusable offers they would force upon me then!
A: I’m not going to take the Covid vaccine!
A: I don’t want to get chipped by Bill Gates!
B: Do you have a smartphone?
A: Yeah, why?