Category Archives: Computers and Internet

Posts on computer science and the web, rants about OS:es, Window Managers, Platforms for almost publishing content on the web, and the like.

Programming Course from hell

Today we visit a fictional “Java Programming 101” course where both the pupils and the teacher are from hell…

Why is it called “class”? Is there some kind of hidden political meaning here?

It’s a public class so, don’t worry…

But, I can still change it, so it’s not really final in the first place… it should be called “kind of final”… but that won’t compile…

Oh, it really is final, but when you change it the universe splits in two. In one universe the code is still final and unchanged and in the other the code is final and changed. In one of the universes a cat will also die, so please try not to change final code too often…

What if I wanted to use “what if” instead of “if”? Then I get compilation errors… What if I want it to work?

What if you learned to program and programmed a compiler where “what if” didn’t cause a compilation error?

How do I change a volatile variable? I don’t want shit to go crazy or anything!

If you encapsulate the modification operations, you’re safe…

I do not want to use static. It’s a huge mistake. You’ll probably miss business opportunities and go bankrupt in a year. Static is the first step to death!

Not to worry! If you only use “static” in agile programming it’ll sort itself out.

Since my programming problem is far from superficial I need to use something far less flimsy than “floats”, and I am fairly certain “double”-ing down is not the right way to go!

This problem needs byte arrays and bitwise operators.

If “void” truly was a void, would there even be a word for it?

The true void is such a vast and complex mystery a simple human mind can never comprehend its full meaning and our only hope lies in the application of simplistic symbols.

This is insane! I try to catch using grep but once I’ve serialized the exceptions I don’t know how to find the regex from the catch clause!

Have you tried to decompile the class-file first?

Shouldn’t you install the plumbing before you open any streams? I don’t want a total mess…

Streams have pipes and terminators to help with that…

Come on, you’ve seen Windows! You already know there’s no logic to this!

What if my transient variable decides to move to another class?

Just make it private and it’ll stay private…

I looked through the code of the jre last night and I’ve deduced that synchronized methods aren’t synchronized at all! They should be called unsynchronized!

You should look into reprogramming the jre to make them truly synchronized…


Header image: By PIXNIO

At the same time in the Microsoft Office Product Managers’ Meeting

Manager 1: I have a great idea… You know how when backwards editing a text you find all these problems and such? I suggest we show the text backwards already, that way, surely our users will become world class writers?

Manager 2: Interesting! I didn’t even knew we could do that.

Programmer: We can do whatever we want!

Manager 3: How much will it cost?

Manager 4: Cost is irrelevant. Nobody can escape the Office any longer we can do whatever we want.

Manager 3: Ok, sure, but don’t we need some kind of budget or something?

Manager 4: You’re clearly new here. But sure, how would we do it?

Programmer: It’s easy, can be done in a week or so…

Manager 2: Then let’s do it!

Much more than a week later…

User: installed. got update shit this before cable networking the off chew didn’t he because dog my also maybe myself or you kill to going either I’m also, And You! Fuck Microsoft, Dear


Never gonna happen you say? You’re surely not a Microsoft user. Congratulations.

I, on the other hand, just had the pleasure of seeing an update (a shit update) rearrange the keyboard shortcuts. I shit you not, Cmd-Opt is now replaced by Cmd-Ctrl… and what’s worse, seems no one cares?! Great. Not that Microsoft ever was any good at keyboard shortcuts on the Mac … I guess they want me to buy a PC, so I’ll use Pages instead…?

New Crisis Management Protocol

I’ve decided to implement a new crisis management protocol for when hilariously undermanned and epically underdocumented projects collide with predictably impossible problems:

Customer: …!
Customer: …?!
Me: We’re unable.
Customer: …!?
Customer: …!?!
Customer: …!?!?!
Me: Can’t do that.
Customer: …!!
Customer: …!!?!
Customer: …!!!!!
Customer: …!!?!!!?!!!
Customer: …!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: We’ll be in the Hudson.