Whenever I get an advertisement for something I’ll never buy, I celebrate that they don’t know everything about me!
I’ve decided to implement a new crisis management protocol for when hilariously undermanned and epically underdocumented projects collide with predictably impossible problems:
Me: We’re unable.
Me: Can’t do that.
Me: We’ll be in the Hudson.
Post-Truther: Death sucks! It should be banned!
Second Post-Truther: When the hell is the politicians going to get their shit together and ban death? I mean, seriously?!
Third Post-Truther: I didn’t know politicians could ban death! Wow!
Fouth Post-Truther: WTF?! You can ban death and no one’s doing it? What the fuck is wrong with you politicians!?!
Fifth Post-Truther: You will see my revenge comes next election!
“Oh, great. You’re quoting Fight Club… It’s sad you didn’t get that movie. Its message is that people with your attitude are way extreme. There are many things in the movie that could have told you that, but the exploding skyscrapers in the end definitely should have.”
A: I’m bored! Tell me a joke.
B: I’d rather not.
B: They say my humor is inappropriate and arrogant.
A: Come on! How bad can it be?
B: Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
A: I’ll risk it!
B: Ok. Isaac Newton was studying relativity theory at the University of Boston.
B: And one day he met Albert Einstein who was studying quantum mechanics at the same university…
B: Yeah. There.
B: That’s the joke.
A: I don’t get it…
B: Neither did they!
“Hey! How about you dial that back to zero percent?”
“The fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s Nerd for shut the fuck up!”
“Who’s gonna make me? You and what army?”
“I won’t make you do anything… I may, however, make your email app attach a random dick-pic with every outgoing email…”
Unexpected consequences of falling asleep while listening to music:
Since I was, in fact, “sleep listening” to “Bad Blood” I have to assume I liked “that bad, bad blood” but since I was dreaming I can’t be sure…