Category Archives: Humor

Well fun stuff (I hope), programming humor, word puns, etc.

Legalese for stop

Legalese for stop

If a person, defined as a two legged mammal of the species Homo Sapiens, over the age of 16, hereby defined as being of the age of 16 metric years and 1 metric second or older, where to come across, meet, bump into, discover, notice, stumble upon, uncover, unearth, intercept, observe, detect, discover, examine, inspect, look at, monitor, note, pay attention to, recognize, regard, scrutinize, study, view, watch, witness or in any other way, shape or form become aware of a red, not yellow, nor white, black, blue, green, pink, azure, orange, magenta, or any color other than red,  eight sided, not one sided, two sided, three sided, four sided, etc up to seven sided, nor nine sided, ten sided or any more sided,  sign, here defined as a metal, wood, plastic, granite, marble, wire, anti gravity, ot other suspension mechanism, topped by a metal, wood, plastic, granite, copper, aluminum,  marble or other material, sign in the shape previously defined with the words “STOP” written in any type font other than Webdings, Open Symbol, or MS Kids across from left to right or right to left or top to bottom or bottom to top or any other angle, and if said person is at the moment of becoming aware as defined above by a sign as defined above, traveling in vehicle defined by but not limited to a car, bike, kite, balloon, ship, tanker, tank, siege machine, airplane, rocket, spaceship, teleportation beam, horse, donkey, dragon, lion, cat, kangaroo, Einstein-Rosen Bridge, or any other known or unknown mode of transportation, shipping, transit, freightage, haulage, passage or any other similar mode, then such a person should immediately as in within reasonable, unhampered, undrugged, uninebriated, undisturbed, unconditional, untraditional, unceremonial, time cease, desist, halt, discontinue, quit, terminate, renounce and relinquish any further transportation and resist and abstain to further travel until such a time as the vehicle as defined above has come to a halt, defined as moving at a speed of less than one meter, not kilometer, millimeter, micro inch, yard, foot, fathom, skull bounce, or any other known or unknown, recognized or unrecognized, serious or silly, measurement of distance, per metric hour.

Levels of system maturity

The following is a list of system maturity levels:

  1. Pre-conceptual – no idea, no system, not even an idea that a system is needed.
  2. Conceptual – an idea that a system is needed, nothing developed.
    • Customer: We need a system that does X.
    • Management: What they really say they need is a system that does Y.
    • Developer: What is most technically feasible is a system that does Z.
  3. Not working – a system that doesn’t work, at all.
    • Customer/management: We have no system.
    • Developer: We’re working on a system!
  4. Almost not working – a system that works, kind of.
    • Management: We have a system!!!
    • Customer: We wish we had a system…
    • Developer: Hey! We’re not done yet!
    • Support: Take the system out back and shot it, for the sake of pity and mercy!
  5. Almost working – a system that works, in principle.
    • Management: Didn’t we finish this system months ago?
    • Customer: We have a system! On sunny days…
    • Developer: Just let us…
    • Support: Oh no! Not another update!
  6. Working – a system that works.
    • Management: That was long before my time…
    • Customer: Oh, yeah, I remember that system… didn’t it use to do Z back in the days?
    • Developer: Done!
    • Support: Hands off our legacy system… or seas will turn red with blood and dogs will sleep with cats (or is it lions with lambs… whatever!) Hands off our system!

Batman vs Superman in 69 words or less

Superman: I have a kilty smother!

Batman: Why? You! *Growl*

2 hours of Crash! Bang! Bom! KA-POOOW! Ouch! F*ck! Grrrowl!

Batman: Sorry! I thought you said, “I have killed his mother!”

Superman: My mother’s name is Martha…

Batman: Cool! Mine too!

Superman: Well, Errr…. my adoptive mother…

Batman: Grrrrowl!

Superman: But hey, let’s hang?

Batman: Ummm… OK!

Martha:  Dinneeeee-eeeeer time!

Superman: Mom’s calling…

Batman: That’s my mom!

Superman: It’s not!

Batman: Is too!


 

Or, as the NerdNewsNetwork pointed out… why is this movie longer than 5 seconds (and why is the script longer than 69 words?):


Featured image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:New_York_Comic_Con_2015_-_Batman_vs_Superman_(21443756843).jpg