“…and the customer support section has a… quote-unquote user contact function… or as we like to call it in the business: a go fuck yourself user fucker function. Needless to say, you will not be disturbed by your customers…”
“Good, we have neither the time nor the personnel for that shit! They should just buy the products and be happy… and have no problems!”
Those Terrans
Alien 1: Ah, you know, those Terrans? The only things they prioritize are sex and survival. No morals. No ethics. Barely even self-conscious… Heinous creatures!
Alien 2: So fence it off?
Alien 1: Oh yeah. And send the slug patrol to keep them on their planet. We do not want these beasts roaming around the universe causing havoc.
Can of Wormholes?
What if the smallest particle in our universe was the opening of a wormhole? A wormhole with multiple openings? An infinite number of openings…?
It would make everyday complicated relationships seem easy…
Godzilla vs King Kong
Godzilla vs King Kong
in Hong Kong
playing ping-pong.
Not that I’m judging!
Shit a fan
This hit’s gonna shit a fan!
Striking a poser
A: Why did you punch the guy with the fashionable clothes over there?
B: I was striking a poser…
Famous for being Bob
A: Have you met Bob?
B: The Bob?
A: Yes. The Bob!
B: The Bob who’s famous for being famous?
A: No. That’s Dave. Dave is famous for being famous. Bob is famous for being Bob.
Disagree to agree
A: Let’s agree to disagree?
B: Let’s go crazy and disagree to agree?
A: Eh… ok. I disagree that we’re agreeing…
B: I disagree.
A: Me too!
B: You’re disagreeing incorrectly!
Entropy Management Plan
I haven’t had a customer ask this one… yet, but here’s my planned answer and some material for thoughts about contingencies and possible pitfalls…
A: Per our last meeting, here’s the time management plan.
B: Can you define time for me?
A: …
A: Time is the process by which entropy is increased.
B: Right. So, how much entropy will the project create?
A: …
A: I don’t know.
B: Can you draw up an entropy management plan for me?
A: Right.
A: Per our last meeting, here’s the time management plan.
B: Can you define time for me?
A: …
A: Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events that occur in an apparently irreversible succession from the past, through the present, into the future.[1]
B: Ooooh! That sounds expensive! We need to limit that somehow… and also… irreversible… how pessimistic… you should hire some PR consultant to get a better description of that!
A: Right.
B: Will you have it for our next meeting?
A: Per our last meeting, here’s the time management plan.
B: Can you define time for me?
A: …
A: Time is running out.
A runs out.
Header image: chrisinphilly5448 on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-SA
RPG Realism
While creating RPG player characters:
“In fact, I’m double-handed in reality, so for realism, I should get that one for free…”
“Sure, and for realism, you should also get minus 2 on strength and dexterity…”
“Um… let’s not create a character based on reality…?”
“Let’s not…”
Talkwards 