Category Archives: Fiction

Chainsaw Murderer

“112, how may I be of assistance?”

“Yes, Hello? Is this 112?”

“This is 112, how can I help you?”

“Yes. I am sorry to disturb you this wonderful afternoon, however, we seem to have gotten a chainsaw murderer in our living room. We managed to lock ourselves in the bathroom but I fear he might start sawing the door any moment…”

“I think you’re a bit dramatic now. Chainsawers aren’t that dangerous.”

“He is sawing the furniture, and I’m pretty sure, if my nephew hadn’t been so quick on his feet he would have sawed him too.”

“That may be the case, but you shouldn’t be calling us for these problems.”

“I’m sorry, who should I be calling?”

“An exterminator. You’re taking up the line for life-threatening situations.”

“But, it’s a chainsaw murderer!”

“Yes, they are becoming more and more common. The exterminator knows how to deal with them. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No. Ah… Yes! Perhaps, a number for an exterminator?”

“This is not the yellow pages!”

Diary of a Twelve-Year-Old, 2036

Sometimes I bring out my crystal ball and look into the future, this time it’s the diary of a twelve-year-old girl in 2036:

Monday. Back in school. Another school shooting! Third this year. Jeeeez!

Dick (and I mean that in both senses) didn’t get an “A” and decided to “do something about it.” Such a total loser!!!

Tom & Bob got him alright. They were just like, no you’re not gonna eff-ing shoot up our history class! OMG! They nailed his a** to the wall with their AK-47’s!

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Backing up Concerned Files

Wolfram-Idea-Management-SystemI work with installing and configuring software products. The following “documentation” on backup procedures for an imaginary software system called “Wolfram Idea Management” came to me in the half asleep/half awake stage just after waking up, but kind of before realizing it has happened.

And, no, I hope this has never happened for real! If there is a Wolfram Idea Management system out there, any likeness to that system is coincidental even if per chance the following document could have been ripped out of that software package’s manual pages – then any likenesses are still just coincidental. I’m just that good! (No I do not work with a system called Wolfram… Although the phrase “backing up concerned files” do come from work…)


Wolfram Idea
Management® Software

Backing up concerned files


Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!

ONLY RUN THE PREPACKED BACKUP COMMAND IN WOLFRAM® WHEN BACKING UP FILES!

The command is named “calli-fuckyou-fornia-dream.exe

For the long explanation read the below text.

Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important! Important!

Please! Please! Please! Read the whole document before you backup the system!

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU DO READ THE WHOLE DOCUMENT BEFORE YOU BACKUP THE SYSTEM!

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