While creating RPG player characters:
“In fact, I’m double-handed in reality, so for realism, I should get that one for free…”
“Sure, and for realism, you should also get minus 2 on strength and dexterity…”
“Um… let’s not create a character based on reality…?”
“Let’s not…”
All posts by erk
Wild Talent
Wild Talent:
“Tech level is irrelevant: a TL 3 monk could make an IQ-roll to use Computer Programming…”
GURPS 4e, Basic Set, p. 99
In the year of Our Lord, 1143, on a day as dark and as deep as the nethermost recesses of purgatory, a calamitous storm threw the land into turmoil and dread. My despair was without end and limit but held at bay as visions, I dared hope, sent from Our Lord Himself came over me. My quill danced over the parchment and the script that was produced I named, with the guidance, I was lead to believe, of divine inspiration, a JavaScript. And its contents portrayed such an arcane contraption that would hold the promise of connection with the glorious heavens above! But alas! This channel was promised only through the deployment of the mysterious, I daresay unholy demonic, powers of the Lord Ajax, master of indirection and slayer of submission! Save us Great Lord for the days of single page application are upon us! No longer will a book be a book, for can it be called a book if a book has but a single page? This must surely be a vision of the end of days, the demise of reason, and the eclipse of the minds of men.
What I Have Learned from Right-Wing Extremists
What I have learned from right-wing extremists :
- All foreign-looking men with beards have lied about their age and gained access as underaged children
- They attend ninth grade
- …where they rape nine-year-olds (I am, however, not entirely sure how the nine-year-old ended up in ninth grade… it’s possible right-wing extremists think nine-year-olds attend ninth grade…)
- They, the foreign-looking men, get instructions from the government on what to say and how to act to fool the government that they are underaged
- If they are immigrants, and they scare you, it is a human right to deport them
- Right-wing extremists would hate it if right-wing extremists gained control over our country so it is imperative that we immediately deport all immigrants… because the longer they are allowed to rape, pillage, and murder, the more people will vote for right-wing extremist parties…
- We’re having a total system collapse… at the very latest tomorrow, hordes of different looking people will prevent fire brigades from saving children in burning houses, roads will crack and fall into black holes (possibly because there are so many different looking people standing on them), women will be raped (by the different looking people), race wars will be fought (with the different looking people), dogs (that probably aren’t different looking people, unless it’s suitable that they are) will walk on their hind legs and cats (are always different looking people!) will own stock portfolios, drink coffee with sugar and read the morning news (about all the evil deeds of the different looking dog people)…
- It could also, all be the other way around… in any way, the world will be ending sometime tomorrow likely before lunch!
- They, the right-wing extremists, also have taxi driving friends, from Somalia and Syria that have told them all this, so they are in the know! After all, who would know better about immigrants than other immigrants?
- Rule number one for any form of political discourse is to identify the hopeless cases and pretend that you are deaf, mute and blind if they get anyway near you… or read a book… or feign epilepsy… or to be sure, all five at the same time…
Buy me a River
“Yeah! Yeah! Whatever, buy me a river!”
Anti-Vaccine
At the anti-vaccine movement annual conference:
A: Where’s Bob?
B: He’s dead…
A: And John?
B: Dead too.
A: And Rita is dead too… is anyone alive?
B: We are.
A: What happened to them?
B: They claim it was seasonal flu… I mean, come on? Flu?!
A: Yeah! What a transparent lie!
B: So, Chinese satellite death rays then?
A: For sure! Unless their bodies weren’t found… then we can be pretty sure it was an alien probing gone wrong…
Exhaustion management plan
“I looked over the exhaustion management plan, and I have a few questions. For instance, on page two, you recommend EKGs and CAT scans for all patients?”
“Yes, and on page three, we also recommend giving all patients chemotherapy.”
“Yeah… why don’t we just give the patients that need it EKGs and CAT scans and all the rest?”
“You’ve probably not read through the assumptions on page one. There you can see we assume we have forgotten, don’t care, or have been unable to determine any diagnosis for the patients… so this is a kind of catch-all solution…”
“Oh. That explains the full-body casts… “
Can I Touch Your Hair?
“Can I touch your hair? It’s just so unusual!”
“Can I touch your brain? It just did something so unusual!”
SFC SMF
I tried to write an SFC* but ended up with an SMF* and I don’t even know if it’s a failure or a success!
* SFC=Strong Female Character, SMF=Sexy Mother Fucker
Resignation
“I quit!” he said with resignation.
Spaceship
Spaceship:
“The Knock-Out”; Dreadnought of the Fearless class…
Talkwards 